I Just Thought I'd Ask
by MonkeyDonut
Summary: Cordelia can never catch a break; now the Slayer is in serious trouble! Chapter 3 now posted!
1. I Just Thought i'd Ask

Title: I Just Thought I'd Ask  
  
By: MonkeyDonut  
  
Rated: PG because nothing actually happens.  
  
Disclaimer** - I don't own any of these characters, nor do I own the computer I wrote this on, nor am I paying for this computer connection. Please don't tell my boss.  
  
Feedback: I live for your approval.  
  
Summary: Cordelia is just trying to figure some stuff out. This is really short and rather pointless, but it's getting longer and somewhat poignant; takes place on BtVS season 2 sometime before "Surprise."  
  
/-----/  
  
Giles, Buffy, Cordelia, Xander, and Willow were sitting in the library talking about mostly nothing. Cordelia had a point to prove.  
  
"So, I always wondered: vampires know that the Slayer exists, and that if she finds them, she is going to stake them through the heart with a sharp piece of wood," Cordelia said.  
  
"Right," Xander replied.  
  
"It's not always sharp," added Buffy.  
  
"Okay, but they know you can kill them. So why don't they just all walk around with chain mail on or something, or wear 17 sweatshirts. Wood doesn't penetrate everything."  
  
"Tell me about it," added Xander.  
  
Everyone looked at Xander in confusion.  
  
"Okay, I'll stop talking now, before anyone actually gets anything I say."  
  
Buffy shook her head and responded.  
  
"Well, vampires aren't all that intelligent. Or fashion sensible."  
  
"To tell you the truth, most vampires are very, how would you say it, ego- centric." This was added by Giles, who began to clean his glasses. "All are cognoscente of the fact that the Slayer exists to destroy their kind, but none seem to, um, care. Most think if they were to ever fight the Slayer, they could kill her."  
  
"And they've all been wrong." Willow frowned. "Well, except once."  
  
"That kind of makes sense," said Cordelia. "But if I were a vampire and I knew Buffy was in town, I'd make sure I was wearing a little more than a tank-top."  
  
"Or you could wear nothing at all and frighten me away," said Buffy.  
  
"I would just like to say that that would not frighten me," said Xander.  
  
"Huh?" asked Cordelia.  
  
"What? Oh, nothing."  
  
"Right, back to the original question," asserted Giles. "Vampires are driven by their ego, thinking that they are better than humanity. And, in many ways they are; stronger, faster, increased healing capabilities. Except for the fact that they turn to dust in sunlight, they are in many ways superior to all humans. Except for the Slayer, of course."  
  
"And ninjas." Xander seemed immensely sure of himself. "Ninjas would kick some major vampire booty. They have throwing star thingies, you know."  
  
"Yeah. Oh oh, and Jedis. With the mind control and everything." Willow added. "And light sabers are also handy for the alternate way for vampire slayage, the quick and easy decapitation."  
  
"Right," quipped Giles. "But none of these people actually exist. The myth of the ninja has long been exaggerated and their practices, might I add, outlawed on the entire continent of Asia, whereas these so called 'Jedis' I've never heard of." Giles paused. "I must consult my books." Giles left for the stacks.  
  
"Okay, who is Giles' keeper and why won't they let him out of his cage?" Xander asked.  
  
"Anyway," Cordelia continued, but was abruptly cut short by Buffy.  
  
"Oh, what about Gummi Bears? You know, "Bouncing here and there and everywhere." Vampires would be too confused to do anything about it. Although, I don't remember the Gummi Bears being all that violent..."  
  
Everybody stopped and stared at Buffy.  
  
"Oh, and I guess nobody else used to watch cartoons, huh?"  
  
"Actually, I still watch cartoons," said Xander. "I just don't give them as much thought as you or, apparently, as much credit."  
  
"Can we get back to when I was talking?" asked Cordelia. "I just don't get it. And what about Sunnydale and the whole hellmouth issue? Don't the vampires KNOW you live here? Why wouldn't they go to Los Angeles or New York or Seattle, someplace without a Slayer, or even, God help us, with less sunlight?"  
  
"I think we already covered that one, Cordy," said Xander. "Remember, Buffy said 'vampires aren't all that intelligent' and then Giles agreed and then he got confused and ran into the stacks."  
  
Buffy smiled. "I contribute."  
  
On cue, Giles emerged from the stacks holding an old, dusty volume of demonology and lore.  
  
"Actually, vampires are no more less intelligent than the average human being. However, they have immensely strong instincts and urges, almost bordering on animal or prime-evil in comparison. The attraction to the Hellmouth is one of those urges. Most of them don't know why they come here; they just find their way and think nothing of it."  
  
Giles stopped as he fingered a passage. "Ah, here it is. It, um, it appears that the Jedi were an ancient order of misfit jokesters, carnival folk who delighted crowds with whimsical acrobatics and comic swordsmanship. Unfortunately, they weren't very good and amused very few. They traveled in small groups, nomadic by nature, mainly because no one could stand them for long periods of time." Giles closed the book. "No one liked them and they eventually vanished."  
  
Xander stopped from saying something, then continued. "You realize you just made a mockery of most of my pre-pubescent existence." Xander pulled out a chair and sat down. "My whole life has been a lie."  
  
"There there, Xander," comforted Willow. "Be strong. Let the force be your guide."  
  
Cordelia shook her head. "You guys really need to get a life." She continued. "Look, all I'm saying is that some things don't add up. I mean, who builds a school on top of the Hellmouth, anyway? And why doesn't everybody else in this whole school or town get the fact that we live on top of it, anyway? With all the crazy stuff that's happened in the last year and a half, you would have to be totally oblivious to the whole world to not notice the murder, mayhem and otherwise completely unexplainable things that happen to me around here. I mean, hello, invisible stalker girl."  
  
"You're right, Cordelia. It's all about you," said Buffy. "Come on, get a grip; I'm dusting vampires almost every night out there."  
  
Xander raised his hand. "Um, remember me, almost-seduced-and-ravaged-by- hideous-insect-woman guy? Let's not forget about the freaky Incan mummy girl. I'm a crazed demon chick-magnet."  
  
"Hey, what about me?" asked Willow. "I'm the only one who can say that they were a ghost for a night. Well, almost a whole night.oh, and I was seduced by a 500 year-old computer virus.er, demon."  
  
Xander replied, "Gees, Wills; we really don't have much luck when it comes to dating, do we? Makes you wonder if something is really horribly wrong with us. Like we'll be doomed to walk the earth, only dating the crazed and hideous."  
  
"Hello," snipped Cordelia. "I'm in the room."  
  
"Did somebody say demon?" said Jonathon.  
  
Everyone turned towards the door and saw Jonathon standing there with a girl, both looking lost and mostly out of place.  
  
"No. Um, I didn't hear the word 'demon', did you Buffy?" asked Giles as he started to rummage through some books.  
  
"Er, no. No demon here."  
  
"Nope, no demons," said Xander. "Just a couple of kids talking crazy- talk."  
  
"What do you want? Can't you see we're busy?" asked Cordelia.  
  
"Um, a book? This is the library, right?"  
  
"Yes, of course it's the library." Giles motioned everyone to get up and leave. "What kind of book do you need?"  
  
"Stalin."  
  
"Autobiographies, section 7, in the back."  
  
Jonathon and his friend wandered up the steps and into the stacks.  
  
"We'll continue this conversation, um, later. For now I think it's best if everybody just go home and get some rest."  
  
"Agreed," said Willow. She got and walked to the door, looking over her shoulder. "Ready for some 20th century Socialism?"  
  
"Studying? Ugh," whined Buffy, following. "Fine. My house, but AFTER ice cream."  
  
"Ooh, ice cream."  
  
"Hey, I want some ice cream." Xander got up quickly and followed the two out the door.  
  
"What is it with him and those two?" asked Cordelia, obviously annoyed. "It's like they're all joined at the hip. I mean, look at the way those two dress. Can you believe the way Buffy flaunts it in front of Xander? And those sweaters Willow wears. Where does she find those? And why."  
  
"Cordelia?" interrupted Giles.  
  
"What?"  
  
"No more questions." And Giles walked out the door.  
  
Cordelia put on her coat and followed, trailing off, "I just thought I'd ask."  
  
Jonathon emerged from the stacks.  
  
"Did you say.? Er, hello?"  
  
/---------------------------------/  
  
//This fanfiction wasted a whole workday. It was very hard to type because it was freezing outside and my hands didn't work properly. Oh, and it's exceedingly hard to type with gloves on. 


	2. Remind me to Never Help You Again

Title: I Just Thought I'd Ask  
  
By: MonkeyDonut  
  
Rated: PG because nothing actually happens.  
  
Disclaimer** - I don't own any of these characters, nor do I own the computer I wrote this on, nor am I paying for this computer connection. Please don't tell my boss.  
  
Feedback: I live for your approval.  
  
Summary: The Scoobies take on something different, leading to some unfortunate side-effects for Buffy and Cordelia; takes place on BtVS season 2 sometime before "Surprise."  
  
/------------------------------------------------------------------/  
  
Chapter 2: That Night, or Remind me to Never Help you Again  
  
The moon was hanging rather lowly in the sky, as if it were peaking around to find something to watch. It was also shining quite brightly, mainly for the same reason. The moon was bored and needed entertainment. Its light spread down from space, through the atmosphere, cut through some confused looking clouds, and happened to find its way to Sunnydale. It looked around a bit, found a particularly interesting bit of cleared brush, and settled down on Lover's Lane. It noticed that it was a particularly slow night, with only one car, a Mercedes coupe, parked with a nice view. Since there was nothing else to look at, the moon shed its light on the two occupants of the car, who seemed to be pretty busy at the moment and probably wouldn't mind the intrusion.  
  
Xander was enjoying himself immensely, but couldn't shake the fact that something was bothering him. He stopped what he was doing and looked around. "Man, the moon sure is bright tonight."  
  
"Oh shut up and kiss me." This of course came from Cordelia, who despite her better judgement, was having a surprisingly good time at the moment, and wished to continue.  
  
"My bad." Xander leaned back in and continued their embrace. He often wondered how Cordelia and he were able to stand each other long enough to get to these good parts of their quirky relationship. Then he remembered that these parts didn't require much talking, or thinking for that matter, so he stopped thinking and talking to himself and just enjoyed the moment. This particular moment lasted for quite some time.  
  
It was only after a small blondish girl was thrown onto the hood of their car that they finally came up for air.  
  
The figure rolled down and onto the ground, disappearing in front of the grill. A head quickly popped up and saw the faces of the two teenagers staring down at her in dismay.  
  
"Hi, guys," said Buffy.  
  
/-----------------------/  
  
Buffy jumped to her feet and yelped, ducking just in time as a hand swung in front of her.  
  
Odd, Xander thought; those hands have claws on them. Claws?!  
  
The clawed fiend swung again at Buffy, this time too slowly, as Buffy caught its arm and used her leverage to flip it over and onto its back.  
  
"Pardon the interruption, but it really wasn't my idea," Buffy said sarcastically. The demon grabbed for Buffy's leg, but she back-flipped out of the way, landing on her feet in full fighting stance. "Maybe if you guys had been paying a little more attention, you wouldn't be so surprised right now."  
  
Giles came suddenly running out of the woods, carrying a sword and a brown satchel strapped over his right shoulder.  
  
"Watch out, Buffy!" he yelled, just as the demon shot forward from the ground, clawed hands extended. Buffy easily avoided the creature by stepping to the side, but was struck unexpectedly by the demon's tail, which she had failed to notice altogether.  
  
Buffy fell to the ground, landing on her side as the demon turned and snarled in her general direction.  
  
"Shouldn't we get out and help?" asked Cordelia, knowing full well she wasn't going to. She was too busy worrying about how she was going to explain the large dent on the hood of her father's car; Buffy could take care of herself, but the car was another story.  
  
"Already on it." Xander swung open the door and ran towards Giles, hoping he might have a spare weapon available. "Oh, crap." The demon had turned to face him as soon as Xander had run up, and now seemed to be his new target. Oh, I'm an idiot, he thought. At least this will give Buffy some time to recover while the demon chases me. Xander turned and ran, cursing his juvenile thoughts of grandeur and heroism.  
  
Buffy stood up and fell back down again, feeling a little woozier than she should.  
  
"Xander, be careful!" yelled Giles. "The Vrabel's tale is very poisonous!"  
  
"Now he tells me," said Buffy dejectedly, as she finally got to her feet and rubbed the small of her back where the demon's tail had stung her. To Giles, "That information would probably have been a lot more useful BEFORE I got stung."  
  
"Sorry, it took me a second to realize what kind of demon it was. Here, take this sword; you have to kill it by cutting off its stinger. Are you okay?"  
  
"Which Giles wants to know?" Buffy's vision was slightly blurry now, but she was able to recognize the sight of a near-distant Xander trying at length to avoid the Vrabel's demon stinger.  
  
Giles noticed Cordelia was still in her car, and an idea suddenly came to him. "Quick! Cordelia! Honk your horn!"  
  
Cordelia leaned her head out of her open window and looked at Giles in confusion. "Why?"  
  
"Look, just do it! Before Xander gets in serious trouble!"  
  
Cordelia turned and looked towards Xander, and saw the creature gaining. "Okay," she said unassuredly.  
  
She pushed down on the steering wheel button with great enthusiasm, igniting the gratuitously loud horn, which squelched and bleeped with equal enthusiasm. Still holding the button, Cordelia turned and yelled towards Giles.  
  
"Why exactly am I doing this?"  
  
"Because the Vrabel despise loud noises," Giles yelled above the din of the horn. "It most likely will distract the demon and stop it from eating Xander."  
  
"Oh. That's good." Cordelia paused for a second. "Wait a minute. Exactly how much do they hate loud noises?"  
  
"Well, quite a lot from the look on its face."  
  
Cordelia turned to see the creature jump on the hood of the car and snarl directly at her, claws extended and scorpion-like stinger hanging, ready to strike. Its three rows of teeth were all displayed prominently, slobber dripping from its mouth, it's dark, scaly skin stretched tightly across its flattened forehead.  
  
All of this caught Cordelia quite off guard, but she still managed to let out a blood-curdling scream. Her hands shook in front of her face, in that funny sort of way hands do when you're terrified and afraid for your life. Consequently, the horn was now silent, leaving the demon only slightly less annoyed at the car.  
  
"Don't mind if I interrupt," said Buffy, still trying to get her bearings, "but I'm guessing that although I'm seeing three of you ugly demon things, there's only one here. So my hopes are that if I aim for the one in the middle..." She raised the sword above her head, the demon looking at her quizzically, "...I might just get lucky..."  
  
Buffy swung the sword with all her might, striking the side of Cordelia's car and slicing the driver side mirror clean off.  
  
"Or not," Buffy concluded, obviously dejected.  
  
Cordelia saw what happened and managed to stop screaming long enough to yell out, "Oh great! My father's gonna kill me!"  
  
"Good to know you're so concerned about the important things. . ." Buffy trailed off, collapsing on the ground with a look of exhaustion on her face. She fell quickly, very much unconscious, with the sword still in her grasp. The Vrabel saw that she had been injured by its stinger and looked for the kill. It jumped from the vehicle and landed on the ground, straddling Buffy, ready to strike and deal its deathblow.  
  
"No!!!" It was all Xander could do to get there before the demon made its move. He jumped on the Vrabel's back and began to punch it in the back of its scaly head, providing little more than a distraction. The creature roared back and flung Xander off with its tail, narrowly missing him with the stinger. Xander landed roughly on the ground, shaken but not badly hurt. The Vrabel then returned its attention to Buffy.  
  
It thrust its head down to bite, but was sideswiped by a car door, which couldn't have been opened at a better time by Cordelia. "Oops. Did I do that?"  
  
She sprung from the Mercedes and ran towards Giles, who had since pulled a crossbow from his satchel and aimed it at the demon's head. It was dazed and unable to avoid the arrow that now headed in its direction, screaming with great pain as the point pierced its throat.  
  
"Nice shot, Giles," complimented Cordelia.  
  
"Quite. Uh, oh."  
  
The creature, however, was less impressed and more pissed-off, and started towards them.  
  
"Oh dear," Giles muttered as he tried desperately to reload the crossbow. He fumbled with his bag trying to find another arrow as Cordelia supported him in the only way Cordelia could.  
  
"Oh, hurry hurry hurry. What's taking you so long for lord's sake!! Shoot it!!"  
  
Xander had recovered from his toss and scrambled over to Buffy to try to wake her.  
  
"Buffy?! Buffy!! Wake up, wake up!" Xander shook Buffy lightly as he tried to rouse the poisoned Slayer. "It's, um, kind of important that you NOT be unconscious right now." Buffy stirred slightly but showed no signs of consciousness.  
  
The creature was moving rather methodically towards Giles and Cordelia, less worried about getting there and more interested in which one it was going to take down first. Giles fumbled with an arrow, locked it into the crossbow, and aimed with quick precision. He fired, sending the arrow towards the Vrabel. It ducked, the arrow just missing its head. The projectile zinged past the demon, flew through the air with great velocity and ease, finally striking Cordelia's car. It shattered the rear window before coming to rest, embedded in the back of the driver side headrest.  
  
"Would everyone please STOP destroying my car?!"  
  
"Um, right. Sorry. Perhaps it's best if we take this opportunity to, um, run." But it was too late. The Vrabel lept from twenty meters away, soared through the air and landed just in front the two, only a couple of feet separation between them.  
  
Cordelia screamed as the creature roared. Its torso elongated and its mouth spread open, set to devour its prey.  
  
It leaned back to strike, suddenly stopped, and let out a cry of anguish. It was frozen in strike position, becoming very still. It then fell in front of them, crashing into the ground, unmistakably and irrequivically dead. Buffy stood behind its fallen form, sword in hand, with the point of the blade dripping with the demon's blood. On the ground next to the creature lay its stinger, now very much separated from the rest of the tail.  
  
"Is everyone alright?" asked Giles.  
  
"I think so," answered Xander. "Buffy?"  
  
"I think I'm okay."  
  
"What about me?" quipped Cordelia. "My car is destroyed, my hair's a mess, and eww, there's icky demon blood all over my shoes. I hate you guys."  
  
Xander smiled.  
  
"Things couldn't get any worse."  
  
Suddenly, Buffy's legs buckled. "Oh. I don't feel so good...." She collapsed, falling towards Cordelia. She tried to get out of the way, but wasn't fast enough. Buffy fell into Cordelia, sending them both sprawling on the ground. Cordelia's leg brushed the stinger, puncturing her thigh and sending a jolt through her body.  
  
"Ow, that really hurt."  
  
"Buffy!" Giles and Xander picked Buffy up, supporting her weight between them.  
  
"Um, hello?! Xander!" Cordelia was sitting on the ground, seething.  
  
"It's okay, I've got her." Giles held Buffy as Xander helped Cordelia up.  
  
"I'm afraid that although the stinger wasn't lethal, it is poisonous and has some adverse side effects. We have to get Buffy home and into bed."  
  
"Well, I don't think we can take my car, unless you don't mind sitting on broken glass. Besides, I'm not really up to driving with an arrow poking me in the back of my head." Cordelia brushed herself off and noticed the cut on her leg. "Oh great. Now I'm bleeding."  
  
"You'll be okay. Buffy, on the otherhand, won't be if we don't get her someplace safe. She can ride in the passenger seat and Xander and I will be careful in the back."  
  
"Why don't we take her to the hospital?" asked Xander as he helped Giles take Buffy to the car.  
  
"They can't help her; I don't expect doctors would know how to treat a poisonous demon sting."  
  
"Point taken."  
  
"But I should be able to come up with some kind of cure once I consult my books," Giles added as they placed Buffy in the passenger seat.  
  
Xander carefully brushed the glass off the back seat and got in with Giles. He noticed the arrow sticking out of the headrest and shook his head. He removed it and threw it out the open window.  
  
"Oh," said Cordelia as she started the car. "What am I going to tell my dad? He's gonna kill me. Remind me to never help you again."  
  
She put the car in drive and headed to Buffy's house, the moon sorry to see them go.  
  
/----------------------/  
  
A/N: So, anybody guessing where this is headed? I'll update soon, if anybody wants. Feedback please thank you your welcome no I insist okay fine. 


	3. Shoddy Craftsmanship

Chapter 3: Shoddy Craftsmanship  
  
The Slayer woke up the next morning feeling very refreshed.  
  
She climbed out of bed in the usual way, forgetting about her injuries from the previous night. When her feet touched the ground, a dull pain rose up her spine and she grabbed her leg in response, but was relieved when the discomfort subsided. She touched her wound and was surprised at how well it had healed already. It was almost invisible, barely noticeable from a small distance. She had been upset and resigned to wearing a pants set today to hide the blemish, but was now more upbeat at the possibility of sporting a short dress or skirt.  
  
She walked into her bathroom and looked for her hairbrush, quickly finding it towards the back of her sink, behind assorted makeup compacts and the like. She watched herself in the mirror as she slowly combed her hair, making sure to get all the odd kinks and knots out. When she was finished she placed the brush on the sink and turned towards the shower. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the brush role towards the edge, stop, then roll over and off the side of the sink towards the floor. Without thinking she swept her hand deftly through air, snagged the brush cleanly and held it up, scouring at it menacingly.  
  
"I didn't tell you you could go anywhere," she accused the brush, waving a finger at it.  
  
She placed it back down in a more stable location and opened the shower curtains. The last rung of the curtains was stuck on some invisible force and refused to follow the other rings down the length of the curtain rod. This, of course, impeded the movement of the entire curtain and seriously annoyed the Slayer. She tugged at the curtain forcefully, ripping the curtain from the ring and sending the shower curtain flying to the one side of the rod. "Shoddy craftsmanship," she mumbled to herself, counting the number of times the single curtain ring circled before finally coming to rest, unhooked and alone.  
  
She reached to the knob marked 'hot' with one hand and 'cold' with the other and turned them to what seemed like a preset location, then pulled a lever in between them sending the water from the faucet below to the showerhead above. She let the water fall a bit before she went in and checked it with her hand to make sure it wasn't too cold. The Slayer got in and rinsed her hair, letting the water pressure caress her scalp and back. She wasn't in long before the water began to progressively get warmer, warmer, hot, hotter, and almost steamy before it turned icy cold. She shrieked from the shock of the cold water and quickly turned the knob to make it warm again. The knob broke from the wall with ease and she held it in her hand, staring at the word 'hot.' "What is the deal?" she said aloud, wondering who exactly had installed her shower in the first place. The water didn't get any warmer, so she finished her shower as quickly as she could, turned the remaining faucet off and watched the remaining trickle steam out from the bottom faucet.  
  
She dried off, wrapped the towel around herself and brushed her teeth. The toothpaste container had malfunctioned as well this morning, sending toothpaste past the sink and on to the wall when she had squeezed it. She left the mess for later, smiled into the mirror and noticed a small piece of food that she must have missed. She found her floss, broke a small piece off and attempted to remove the stubborn thing, but the floss snapped in half once she applied pressure down between her teeth. She dropped the floss in the trashcan, got another piece out, and repeated the same actions with greater frustration. "Ugh!" she yelled, giving up. She gargled some water, smiled again to reveal the thing still staring at her, stopped smiling and stormed off to her closet to get dressed.  
  
The Slayer had a large collection of clothing, including many styles and designs from the best shops and stores in the area. Through these she rifled, trying to find the best thing to match the weather, her mood, and the pair of shoes she had already set on. She found a great skirt and top that would look exquisite with some leggings. She searched through a drawer in her dresser, found some good pantyhose, and pulled them on. Unfortunately, the fabric must have been old, for she tore the leggings as she pulled them up ripping a hole where she pulled them and at the bottom where they snug her heel. Disgusted, she through them aside and decided to go without them.  
  
After she had dressed, she put on her makeup, braking off the lid to her compact, snapping her eyeliner pen in two, and unscrewing her lipstick so quickly it flew out of its container.  
  
The Slayer picked up her books [Are their pages missing? Why are these so light?] and walked out the front door to school. She decided to walk that morning and was surprised at how quickly she got there.  
  
She walked down the hallway of the school towards her locker and nodded to Xander and Willow as they walked up. She turned the dial on the lock of her locker and pulled up on the lever, but the locker wouldn't open. She stared at it intently and pulled up with all her might, ripping the lever from the door. Xander and Willow stared at her in wonderment and looked quizzically at each other.  
  
"Everything okay Cordelia?" asked Willow.  
  
Cordelia stared at the locker lever in her hand, totally shocked and confused at what was going on.  
  
"You guys have no idea the morning I've had," said Cordelia.  
  
And the day had only begun. 


End file.
